Balancing Personal Ambitions with Family Dynamics, with Dr. John Delony

Dr. John Delony

Mental & Emotional Health Expert

Dr. John Delony earned his Bachelor of Arts in Humanities and Psychology at Lubbock Christian University and his Masters of Education in Higher Education Administration from Texas Tech University. He went on to earn two PhDs from Texas Tech University—one in counselor education and supervision, and the other in higher education administration.

After spending over twenty years in crisis response and leading students in higher education (and finding real solutions and freedom in his own wellness journey), John knew he wanted to help as many people as possible heal from their past trauma and live whole, connected lives. He now writes, speaks and teaches on relationships, mental health, anxiety and wellness. He also hosts The Dr. John Delony Show where he answers callers’ questions about all of the above, and serves as co-host of The Ramsey Show where he helps unpack the psychology behind finances.

When John isn’t working, you can find him hanging out with his wife and two kids on their farm in Tennessee, headbanging at some obscure concert, or obsessing over his new lifting routine.

SHOW NOTES

As a speaker, you always want to reach the point of high-flying careers that take you worldwide, but that also means taking you away from your family. This raises the question, “Can speakers really have it all?”

Can we prioritize our careers, marriages, partnerships, and kids at the same time?

Today, Dr. John Delony gives us his tips.

—
Dr. John Delony is a mental health expert who offers guidance on relationships, anxiety, and wellness.
Dr. John Delony Show on Youtube 
Follow on Instagram

—

Rate Amplify on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and leave a review for Jess Ekstrom.

Amplify with Jess is produced by Earfluence, and brought to you by Mic Drop Workshop.

TRANSCRIPT

[00:00:02] John Delony:
Often the expectation. It’s just pictures and words, right? We think in pictures, but we speak in words. We both say, “Hey, I need some help around here.” And it’s that extra step of saying, “Hey, what’s your picture of this look like? What’s your picture of bedtime routine? What does that look like to you?” It’s going that extra step. It’s not Hollywood. It’s not sexy, but it’s reality. It’s intentionality.

[00:00:33] Jess Ekstrom:
Welcome to Amplify with Jess Ekstrom, a show designed to help women get out of their head and into their zone of influence. So I was standing backstage at John Maxwell’s event that I spoke at, and I saw John Delony, who I followed for years on TikTok. And it just so happened that my husband was with me at this event, which was perfect because John speaks about relationships and gives relationship advice. I was so excited to finally meet him in person and ask him some questions about my relationship that we’ve been dying to ask. Little did we know Jake and I got couples therapy right before I was about to go up on stage and speak to 15,000 people. I remember telling you, you know, what my husband and I had been experiencing. I was pregnant with my now son Jack, and Ellie was a little over a year. And I’m like, “90% of our conversations are transactional, like, who’s picking up daycare? Who pooped today? What’s going on?” And we didn’t have, like, any time for ourselves, so we’re gonna start couples therapy to help us reconnect and all these things. And you gave me the most unexpected advice. Do you remember what you said to me?

[00:01:54] John Delony:
I don’t. I hope it was terrible.

[00:01:57] Jess Ekstrom:
No, it was almost exactly what I needed to hear. You were like, “Well, what if this season is just, like, not the season where you two thrive as a couple? Like, you’re about to have another kid. What if you can just loosen your grip on, like, being the star, thriving, flirting, dating couple right now and know that it’ll come back?” And I’ll tell you, you’re good at what you do because it worked. Like, I feel like we loosened our grip a little bit on the expectation of being like we were pre-kids, and that helped us just relax and know that we’re still in the same orbit. We’re gonna be there for each other, but it’s just not the season to be like, candlelit dinner and rose petals all around.

[00:02:46] John Delony:
No. Yeah, it’s the… I don’t know how to tastefully say this, but you have, like, actual doodoo on your shirt from… It’s like having a shirt, right? But I think, yeah, we’ve turned every… Especially when it comes to romantic and sexual encounters in a marriage, we’ve turned every interaction into the Super Bowl. Right. And in a weird way, it has to be better than it was the other day. And so you can have this big romantic buildup, and then there’s just a quick encounter two days later, and everyone leaves thinking something’s wrong. And it’s just so much pressure. So much pressure.

[00:03:28] Jess Ekstrom:
It’s a lot of pressure. And it also… You know, one of the things I wanted to talk to you about today was a lot of our listeners are pressing the freaking gas on their career, and a lot of them are women—whether they’re speakers, authors, or in corporate jobs. A lot of listeners to this podcast have big career aspirations. Traditionally, that wasn’t how marriage worked. You know, it was, the man goes out to work, the woman takes care of the home, raises the kids. Nothing wrong with that—a lot of people still do that. But I’m curious, from your point of view and your lens into relationships, how have you seen women who have career aspirations—where maybe the dads are staying at home or working as well—how has that affected the evolution of marriage and relationships?

[00:04:29] John Delony:
Man. Okay, can I take a big loop around the block and answer that in a kind of a convoluted way?

[00:04:36] Jess Ekstrom:
Yeah.

[00:04:37] John Delony:
I’m going to be more raw with you. I consider you a friend, so I’ll be more raw with you than I would with a stranger. I’ll tell you something I haven’t talked about on a podcast, and I’m wrestling with it right now. I grew up, my dad was a policeman. Halfway through my life, he quit that job and became a minister, then got back into police work, and now he’s in his 70s. My wife’s parents were schoolteachers. We come from not a lot. And the last 36 months… I had two books go number one, I travel all over the country, and I’ve got a show that’s in the top 10. Like, everything exploded. Financially, a cop’s kid and a teacher’s kid—our lives are transformed right now. And here’s the haunting thing that I’m wrestling with in real time: I thought all of this was going to feel different. I thought it was going to fix my marriage where there were still holes. And I thought the right amount of money… suddenly, my dad would call and say, “I’m really proud of you.” And I realized how many people I had cast in a movie they didn’t even know they were in.

[00:06:28] Jess Ekstrom:
Right? What is life?

[00:06:29] John Delony:
What is real?
[00:06:30] John Delony:
And yet, I still had to go to the bathroom before I caught my flight back home. Everything just keeps going. To a group of men, a group of women who are sitting there thinking, “Okay, I want to do this thing. I’m going to press into this thing,” what’s becoming clear is that it won’t feel like you think it’s going to feel because you go with you, whatever happens. More resources are amazing. Here’s the truth: my kids are in different schools this year, and they are both thriving in a way that I didn’t know was possible. That’s real, and it would be a lie for me to say it’s not. They are privileged beyond measure right now. And every night, I’m haunted by the fact that if they have to go back to the other schools, somehow I’ll have let them down. So now it’s just a different weight.

[00:07:28] John Delony:
So I say all that to circle back to the traditional… and again, this is over-gendered and over-traditional… but the traditional emotional anchor to a home, those feelings of “it’s going to feel a certain way when we get there.” What I’ve been seeing over the last 10 years, especially with women behind closed doors who have “made it”—graduated law school, made partner, became head of the physician’s group or whatever—is this eye-rolling “I gave up my 20s and 30s for this?” It’s almost a hilarious realization. “You guys are idiots. This is what you’re all doing? I missed out on…” And it’s not true for everyone, and I know people who are super happy. But I think it’s important for everyone to be honest about what they think will be different if they achieve this thing they’re chasing.

[00:08:29] Jess Ekstrom:
What’s the ROI on that?

[00:08:30] John Delony:
Exactly. The question that has continued to resonate with me is “for what?” Like, what are we doing all this for? The couples I see being successful in these non-traditional roles are the ones who are able to kind of opt out of the “industrial guilt complex.” And I think there’s no way for a professional woman to win. I watched my wife go from a celebrated public school teacher to a nationally recognized college professor and researcher to a stay-at-home mom, and every step of the way, it was like, “Shouldn’t you be at home? Really? Why are you staying at home? Why aren’t you doing more?” She could never win.

[00:10:02] Jess Ekstrom:
And what is enough?

[00:10:03] John Delony:
That’s the question I’ve been asking all over the country: what’s enough? And it just keeps moving.

[00:10:11] Jess Ekstrom:
The book I have in my head that I keep meaning to write has a working title called Making It Without Losing It. It’s like, what is “enough,” and how do you feel good and free in your career without losing your footing in what actually matters?

[00:10:32] John Delony:
Yes! But the scary part of that is, you’ll go with you, wherever you go. And it’s not going to heal you. The most important part of that journey will be the people who are with you when you’re standing on that stage.

[00:10:52] Jess Ekstrom:
It’s so true. And I feel like our listeners, especially women with high career aspirations, need to know that balance isn’t about doing it all perfectly. It’s about communicating openly with your partner and defining “enough” for yourselves.

[00:11:41] John Delony:
I have sat on the opposite side and heard that my whole career from men saying, “Dude, I’m never enough. There’s not an amount I can earn, not a thing I can do.” I think Terry Real says this best: Women want to know why their men won’t change, and men want to know, “Why don’t you like me?” Men go to work. Here’s a story from my life. We had a baby after years of trying, and I had no idea that a baby poops 116 times a day. I thought they went once, like regular people! No one lets teenage boys babysit, so I had no idea. I’d change one diaper and feel like a hero, thinking, “I am one of those dads!” My wife would go teach a night class, and our kid would scream, but I didn’t know that 9-month-olds just want their mom. I took it personally. I felt like a failure, so I thought, “What I can do for my family is go to work and make money.”

[00:14:36] Jess Ekstrom:
But here’s the thing: I don’t know those things either.

[00:14:40] John Delony:
Right! And that’s exactly it. I didn’t know, and I didn’t ask for help. I thought the best thing I could do was not be around because I felt like I was constantly failing. That’s how a lot of men end up investing more at work—they find validation there.

[00:15:14] Jess Ekstrom:
Validation. That’s right.

[00:15:16] John Delony:
Yes! And all to say, I think it comes down to asking, “Hey, I don’t know how to do this—can you teach me?” Then you get to the big question, “What is enough?”

[00:15:41] Jess Ekstrom:
Exactly! And I saw a TikTok video recently. The woman said she’d just had a baby and her husband was changing the diaper wrong. Her mom told her, “Don’t become the baby expert. Don’t become the expert in everything your child needs, or you’ll be the ‘expert’ for life.” This whole “break the glass ceiling” thing is tough because women get more workplace opportunity without home support, so it’s just additive—it’s not subtractive.

[00:17:10] John Delony:
And it’s not always about who does what. In my house, my wife has to have the dishes clean every night. For her, it’s like I never help because I’ll do dishes once every two weeks. I think, “We’re hanging out, watching TV, spending time together!” But for her, I’m not present.

[00:18:06] John Delony:
The expectation—it’s just pictures and words, right? We both say, “I need some help around here.” My picture of help is doing the dishes every two weeks, but her picture is a clean kitchen every night. It’s that extra step of asking, “What does your picture of this look like?” It’s not Hollywood, it’s not sexy, but it’s reality.

[00:19:15] Jess Ekstrom:
And just asking your partner, “What’s your version of help?” could change so much. You once posted something on Instagram that I want to pretend I wrote because it’s so good: “My wife is brilliant and capable. She doesn’t need me to fix her; she needs me to love her.”

[00:20:32] John Delony:
That was a note to myself, honestly, because I’ve messed that up so many times. It’s something I’m constantly working on. Most of my Instagram notes are just reminders for myself after I mess up.

[00:21:11] Jess Ekstrom:
So, if someone’s struggling with their partner not understanding their needs, what else can help de-escalate those tensions?

[00:21:36] John Delony:
Three things. First, remember that often when men get together, they want to solve a problem, whereas women often just want to be seen and heard. Second, pictures and words. Ask each other every day, “What’s your picture of today look like?” And third, from Dr. Brene Brown—start with “The story I’m making up is…” It’s a way to take ownership of your feelings and open a conversation rather than accusing.

[00:23:43] Jess Ekstrom:
For women listening, how do they invite a conversation with their partner if they want to pursue career aspirations and need their support?

[00:25:20] John Delony:
It’s the hardest thing to say, but you have to choose reality. Secrets will kill a marriage. If you have a dream, put it on the table. Don’t drop hints; just say it. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself stretching in every direction and not getting what you want. If your partner can’t hear that or doesn’t care, then the career isn’t the issue—it’s the partnership that needs to be addressed.

[00:28:01] Jess Ekstrom:
That’s so true. When Jake and I met, I’d just started my first company. He loved my tenacity and ambition, so there was never that tension. But I see a lot of women in my Mic Drop Workshop who gain traction, and suddenly there’s tension at home. I love when you say, “Hose your boots off before you leave the office.” That’s so powerful.

[00:29:30] John Delony:
I’ve heard from so many men, “I wish you gave us half the energy you give to a room full of strangers.” It’s important to check that balance, so you’re not giving more to strangers than your own family. My wife once told me, “I’m watching my husband die, and he’s cheering the whole way.” She reminded me, “John, we have enough.” That hit me hard.

[00:34:02] John Delony:
Since then, I’ve been more intentional about our time together, and our marriage is a hundred times better. There’s no such thing as balance—it’s a myth. It’s about being intentional about the upcoming season and setting what must be true for us.

[00:35:48] Jess Ekstrom:
When you have those intentional planning sessions, “enough” becomes clearer, and decisions aren’t just about ego. You don’t feel as compelled to chase every opportunity.

[00:36:26] John Delony:
Exactly. For example, I had an offer to keynote a huge event nearby, but it was the same day as my son’s soccer game. My wife and I talked about it, and we decided together. It’s an easy trade when you’re intentional. It’s when you’re unintentional that life slips by.

[00:38:02] Jess Ekstrom:
So, what’s your headline for our listeners? What’s the one thing you want them to know about pursuing dreams while keeping relationships strong?

[00:38:20] John Delony:
Whatever success you have, you will go with you, and it won’t heal you. The most important part of the journey is who is with you along the way and who is there when you’re on that stage.

[00:38:47] Jess Ekstrom:
That’s it. That’s the headline. John, thank you so much. I’m so glad we met this year.

[00:38:52] John Delony:
And thank you for being awesome.

[00:38:56] Jess Ekstrom:
Thanks for listening to Amplify! If you’re a fan of the show, give us a rating and review, and follow Mic Drop Workshop and me, Jess Ekstrom. This episode was edited and produced by Earfluence. Remember, you deserve the biggest stage, so let’s find out how to get you there. I’ll see you again soon.